One of my New Year resolutions was to go to the cinema more often. I decided this would be a New Year resolution in November and, as I was so excited about it, I put into effect at the beginning of December. As I grew older, I become cannier. If you start implementing your New Year resolutions in December there are two tangible benefits:
One – you can test them out and, if need be, abandon them prior to the official New Year start. Therefore they do not count as New Year resolutions.
Two – you avoid picking ridiculous ones like “losing weight” or “give up drinking” as you still have the festive period to negotiate.
To put my “I will go to the cinema more often” resolution into effect, and to give me a resolution which I will definitely keep, I signed up for a Cineworld Unlimited card. £14.99 per month and you can go to the pictures as often as you like. Unlike a gym membership, there is no hardship going to the cinema, so I will get my money’s worth.
In the past, I have noticed people who watch half a film and leave, and have often thought “what a waste of money.” I now realise these people have the Unlimited card. Since I joined their ranks I have studied them more closely. They are easy to spot. They are alone. They are male. They wear T-shirts which don’t quite extend downwardly a sufficient distance to meet the top of the trousers.
At the risk of receiving death threats (being suffocated in a bin of salty popcorn does appeal to me) I will continue with the stereotype. They are peely-wally* due to spending too much time indoors. They are overweight, slightly balding, and wear glasses. They always arrive after the trailers.
As an Unlimited cardholder, I will be invited to special events exclusively for cardholders. I cannot wait. The thought of sitting in an empty auditorium and having the trailers to myself is a fabulous one. Enjoying the mad scramble of the other cardholders as the main feature commences will be a spectacle. A flash mob.
To get my money’s worth I have to go to two films a month. Since the beginning of December I have seen Moneyball, Arthur Christmas, Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol and, last night, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. A fabulous film with some fairly gratuitous violence (that is the extent of my film critic capabilities, I am no Barry Norman). So I am up to date to the end of January. I can go to Kilimanjaro with an easy conscience.